I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
whose parrot is this?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
