My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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