Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
