So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
