(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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