So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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