How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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