So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
