Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
