Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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