I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
