omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
