I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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