I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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