before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
