just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
