i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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