I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
