just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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