he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I love you. Go after that dick
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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