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my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
