i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
