how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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