I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
