I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Can I color on your dick again?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
