the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
