Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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