The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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