its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
