I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
