Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
