somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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