Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
