She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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