so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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