I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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