woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I supernannyed him into submission
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
