and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i was born a porn star she said
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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