just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
God I need to hump something, right now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
