Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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