everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
