I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
