What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
