i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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