I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
