dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
