Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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