put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Randomize
