Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
