Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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