My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
