that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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