Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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