God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
