Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
