Little spoons don't ask big questions
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
