you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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